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Charlie K

The Wit and Wisdom

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Charlie K    31

Really, too many great things are said around here. This should be a sticky.

 

To start:

 

"Nah, mate. The blonde's me girlfriend. The brunette's me wife!"

 

-Atticus

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Spain    66

I can add one from Red, I don't know why but I really like it. You may know it:

"Mark Speaks the Truth"

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Charlie K    31

I'm taking this one out of my sig and putting it up here:

 

"Money, please don´t get away! (But it don´t listens!)" - Oldmoore

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jaynova    1
I'm taking this one out of my sig and putting it up here:

 

"Money, please don´t get away! (But it don´t listens!)"  - Oldmoore

 

 

That one is great!

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Pooka    766

"Slick is fucked up right and proper !!! I love all you straighrt to hell m embers ! Thwe damn dj didnt play anything worth a DAMN . i THANK YOU all you for you for well wishing . I'm off to try to preform fior the new mrs. Slick in my very intoxicated d frame ogf mind . Rock on straight to hell !!!!!!!!!"

 

 

:biggrin:

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Guest spiderlegs   
Guest spiderlegs

is this virtual dancing or a real live uh...exotic dance? And where does the line start?:biggrin:

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Charlie K    31
"Slick is fucked up right and proper !!! I love all you straighrt to hell m embers ! Thwe damn dj didnt play anything worth a DAMN . i THANK YOU all you for you for well wishing . I'm off to try to preform fior the new mrs. Slick in my very intoxicated d frame ogf mind . Rock on straight to hell !!!!!!!!!"

 

 

:biggrin:

 

LOL, how did I miss this!

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Abhimanyu    20
Isn't that every thread?    :biggrin:

 

 

Really? I actually dont remember very many drunken posts on this board. A few borderline drunk ones by JMac, Slick's wedding night and a few by Lou.

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Red    467

Oh I've had quite a few drunken posts. But amazingly enough I'm usually able to keep control of my motor functions...

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Avaunt    270

No offence, dude, but I'm enormously glad that you can't get into our building.

 

Ya freaky undead bastard.

 

Mark.

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JohnMcMahon    561
A few borderline drunk ones by JMac

 

Heh

 

Slick's wedding night

 

What ?!?

 

and a few by lou

 

Well that goes without saying.

 

Actually, is he off somewhere, haven't seen him in a while now.

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Mark    332
Ours is the love that dare not ominously groan its name!

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Chris    2

I'm not sure if this counts, because it's from the old forum. But I have never laughed so hard here. This was James's response when we were going to send out teams to find Enversi. I wonder how many of you remember that. So, max cred to James for this:

 

I want to see TJ Hunt and TimmyBauer team up.

 

I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.

********************************************************

BLACK SCREEN. A BASS GUITAR BEGINS AN INSISTENT BEAT. FADE UP ON:

 

INT. BAPTIST MINISTRY OFFICE, DAY.

A distinguished looking gentleman with slightly receding hairline sits across from a stern but fatherly Minister. The first gentleman is TIMOTHY BAUER, ESQ.

 

TIMMY

So all I have to do is find this guy--

 

MINISTER (INTERRUPTING)

--Enversi.

 

TIMMY (CONT.)

--Enversi, and I'll finally be made a Minister.

 

MINISTER

That's correct.

 

TIMMY considers it, then:

 

TIMMY

Sure. What could go wrong?

 

HEART-RACING ROCK MUSIC KICKS IN RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT. CUT TO: EXCITING MONTAGE OF EXPLOSIONS, GUNFIRE, FISTFIGHTS, HELICOPTERS AND CARCHASES. MUSIC CONTINUES AS WE CUT TO:

 

EXT. BAPTIST CHURCH - DAY

TIMMY steps out and lights a tobacco PIPE.

 

VOICE OVER GUY

HE'S a tough trainee Baptist Minister.

 

CUT TO: QUICK MONTAGE OF BAUER SCENES - TIMMY reading the BIBLE to sneering heathens before ROLLING his EYES and THRASHING THEM ABOUT THE HEAD with it; TIMMY executing a spectacular flip from a CHURCH PULPIT to land just in front of an INSANE MUSLIM FUNDAMENTALIST TERRORIST, whom he knocks unconscious with a single blow; TIMMY talking down a POTENTIAL SUICIDE (TIMMY (through megaphone): GOD LOVES YOU! PLEASE COME DOWN BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!); TIMMY grabbing a startled CHILD from the path of a SPEEDING CAR.

 

CUT TO:

EXT. MAGIC SHOP - DAY

A slightly baffled looking chap wobbles out. He looks like the bastard child of Jack Sparrow and Alan Moore if you then covered him in glue and rolled him around a cheap jeweller's. He may have to be blacked up, depending on whether he is pigmentally enhanced or not. He is TJ HUNT.

 

VOICE OVER GUY

HE'S an incomprehensible chaos shaman.

 

CUT TO: QUICK MONTAGE OF TJ SCENES - TJ spin-kicking two NEW YORK VAMPIRES only to come to a sudden stop and SKEWER the one sneaking up behind him with a STAKE; TJ astrally projecting himself into a WOMEN'S SHOWER ROOM; TJ in front of a SCHOOL BLACKBOARD pointing to an extremely COMPLICATED DIAGRAM showing the relationship of the MAYAN CALENDAR to the exact number of episodes of BATMAN THE ANIMATED SERIES, and why this proves that ALEISTER CROWLEY would have liked JAMMIE DODGERS (quick reverse shot of baffled looking kids); TJ sitting in a PENTAGRAM with his EYES CLOSED as a SECRET NINJA sneaks up behind him - TJ to CASUALLY TOSSES a SACRIFICIAL DAGGER over his should WITHOUT opening his eyes, hitting the ninja in his left thigh, causing him to comically topple over.

 

AS THE FOLLOWING MONTAGE CONTINUES:

VOICE OVER GUY

They were worlds apart (pause for montage)

 

CUT TO: SPLIT-SCREEN MONTAGE OF TJ AND TIMMY GOING ABOUT THEIR DAILY BUSINESS, HIGHLIGHTING THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THEM - TIMMY reads THE BIBLE whilst TJ reads THE NECRONOMICON; TIMMY giving SOUP to HOMELESS PEOPLE whilst TJ gives a TRAMP a magical jewel; TIMMY praying before going to BED whlst TJ charges a sigil in GRANT MORRISON STYLEE; TIMMY watches on FOX NEWS whilsta STONED TJ (there is a BONG next to him) watches static and tries to make out shapes.

 

VOICE OVER GUY (OVER THE END OF THE MONTAGE)

Until fate brought them together. Now they'll have to pull together to save the world - unless they pull each other apart first!

 

CUT TO:

MONTAGE OF BUDDY SCENES - TJ interrupts a WEDDING that TIMMY is performing to deliver an IMPORTANT MESSAGE, only for the HUSBAND to take a swing at him - TJ deflects the blow easily, but comically takes a punch from the bride; TIMMY'S frustrated because a stoned TJ'S ordering two Happy Meals at McDonald's; TIMMY and TJ bonding as they drive by some nuns and throw eggs at them; TIMMY and TJ reading HELLBLAZER together; Timmy and TJ talk in the car:

 

TIMMY

So all we have to do is find Enversi and keep him safe until the end of the week; by then it'll be too late for them to start the ritual.

 

TJ

It has been proposed that elemental magic is only a fragmented vision of a larger magical continuum, rather than the basis of all magic as some believe. The elements - fire, earth, spirit, air and water - are just parts of the magical spectrum, that just as colours are white light refracted through a prism, so elemental magic is pure magic refracted through our own minds.

 

TIMMY

Are you even listening to me?

 

TJ

Pardon?

 

SUDDEN CHANGE OF MUSIC WHICH WILL ANNOY EVERYONE IN THE CINEMA BUT SEEMS TO HAPPEN A LOT THESE DAYS. CUT TO:

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - NIGHT

A SINISTER MAN sits in a FANCY CHAIR; we cannot see his face. He looks down upon an ARMY of 47 MEN, all wearing CLOAKS that hide their faces.

 

SINISTER MAN:

Stop those men ANY COST. GO!

 

The ROBED MEN all look up to reveal that they all have TIMMY'S FACE!

 

CUT TO: EXCITING MONTAGE: A MECHA-TIMMY jumps onto the car bonnet and THRUSTS its HAND through the windscreen to grab TJ's THROAT; TJ ducks a MECHA-TIMMY'S punch and claws him across the face, ripping off fake skin and revealing a robot skeleton underneath; an overhead shot as FIFTEEN TIMMYS surround our heroes as they stand back to back and raise their fists; a NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD pastiche as TJ, weilding a ceremonial AFRICAN SPEAR, backs up against the door of his flat, only for the hands of FOUR TIMMYS to thrust through the door and grab him; TIMMY swinging down off a BEAM in an old BUILDING to KICK A MECHA-TIMMY in the jaw; TJ DIVES forward and GRABS a BONE GUN from the FLOOR, firing a BLUE FIREBALL that incinerates a MECHA-TIMMY; a HEAVILY UNDER THE INFLUENCE TJ points his gun at REAL TIMMY and a MECHA-TIMMY, who struggle with each other. REAL TIMMY SHOUTS: "Shoot both of us!" TJ (WOBBLING SLIGHTLY): "What about the other six?"

 

CUT TO TITLE:

48 BAUERS

CUT TO CREDITS

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wolfram    1
Ours is the love that dare not ominously groan its name!

 

Awww, t'anks, Mark. :wub:

 

Still, I regret ever announcing my love for the undead flesh, for now all my folks have succumbed to that terrible cold embrace. I am certain that, in the Urban Dead universe at least, the zombie crisis is a sexually transmitted one. Anyone find any spare penicillin? :D

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