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The Wit and Wisdom


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#21 Mark

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Posted 03 September 2005 - 06:02 PM

QUOTE (wolfram @ Sep 3 2005, 04:26 AM)
Ours is the love that dare not ominously groan its name!

"As we journey through life, discarding baggage along the way, we should keep an iron grip, to the very end, on the capacity for silliness. It preserves the soul from dessication."
- Humphrey Lyttleton, 1921-2008

"The Doctor remembers every Doctor Who story ever told. Every episode, Target book, comic strip and every game of companions and TARDISes that you played as a kid. The universe he lives in has no record of it, because paradoxes and divergent dimensions and the Time War have reset things... but the Doctor remembers and sometimes when he is sad it's because you've stopped being 8 years old and he can't run around the school playground with you anymore."
- some wise soul on the internet somewhere, 2009

#22 Chris

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Posted 03 September 2005 - 10:30 PM

I'm not sure if this counts, because it's from the old forum. But I have never laughed so hard here. This was James's response when we were going to send out teams to find Enversi. I wonder how many of you remember that. So, max cred to James for this:

QUOTE (Funk)
I want to see TJ Hunt and TimmyBauer team up.

I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.
********************************************************
BLACK SCREEN. A BASS GUITAR BEGINS AN INSISTENT BEAT. FADE UP ON:

INT. BAPTIST MINISTRY OFFICE, DAY.
A distinguished looking gentleman with slightly receding hairline sits across from a stern but fatherly Minister. The first gentleman is TIMOTHY BAUER, ESQ.

TIMMY
So all I have to do is find this guy--

MINISTER (INTERRUPTING)
--Enversi.

TIMMY (CONT.)
--Enversi, and I'll finally be made a Minister.

MINISTER
That's correct.

TIMMY considers it, then:

TIMMY
Sure. What could go wrong?

HEART-RACING ROCK MUSIC KICKS IN RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT. CUT TO: EXCITING MONTAGE OF EXPLOSIONS, GUNFIRE, FISTFIGHTS, HELICOPTERS AND CARCHASES. MUSIC CONTINUES AS WE CUT TO:

EXT. BAPTIST CHURCH - DAY
TIMMY steps out and lights a tobacco PIPE.

VOICE OVER GUY
HE'S a tough trainee Baptist Minister.

CUT TO: QUICK MONTAGE OF BAUER SCENES - TIMMY reading the BIBLE to sneering heathens before ROLLING his EYES and THRASHING THEM ABOUT THE HEAD with it; TIMMY executing a spectacular flip from a CHURCH PULPIT to land just in front of an INSANE MUSLIM FUNDAMENTALIST TERRORIST, whom he knocks unconscious with a single blow; TIMMY talking down a POTENTIAL SUICIDE (TIMMY (through megaphone): GOD LOVES YOU! PLEASE COME DOWN BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!); TIMMY grabbing a startled CHILD from the path of a SPEEDING CAR.

CUT TO:
EXT. MAGIC SHOP - DAY
A slightly baffled looking chap wobbles out. He looks like the bastard child of Jack Sparrow and Alan Moore if you then covered him in glue and rolled him around a cheap jeweller's. He may have to be blacked up, depending on whether he is pigmentally enhanced or not. He is TJ HUNT.

VOICE OVER GUY
HE'S an incomprehensible chaos shaman.

CUT TO: QUICK MONTAGE OF TJ SCENES - TJ spin-kicking two NEW YORK VAMPIRES only to come to a sudden stop and SKEWER the one sneaking up behind him with a STAKE; TJ astrally projecting himself into a WOMEN'S SHOWER ROOM; TJ in front of a SCHOOL BLACKBOARD pointing to an extremely COMPLICATED DIAGRAM showing the relationship of the MAYAN CALENDAR to the exact number of episodes of BATMAN THE ANIMATED SERIES, and why this proves that ALEISTER CROWLEY would have liked JAMMIE DODGERS (quick reverse shot of baffled looking kids); TJ sitting in a PENTAGRAM with his EYES CLOSED as a SECRET NINJA sneaks up behind him - TJ to CASUALLY TOSSES a SACRIFICIAL DAGGER over his should WITHOUT opening his eyes, hitting the ninja in his left thigh, causing him to comically topple over.

AS THE FOLLOWING MONTAGE CONTINUES:
VOICE OVER GUY
They were worlds apart (pause for montage)

CUT TO: SPLIT-SCREEN MONTAGE OF TJ AND TIMMY GOING ABOUT THEIR DAILY BUSINESS, HIGHLIGHTING THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THEM - TIMMY reads THE BIBLE whilst TJ reads THE NECRONOMICON; TIMMY giving SOUP to HOMELESS PEOPLE whilst TJ gives a TRAMP a magical jewel; TIMMY praying before going to BED whlst TJ charges a sigil in GRANT MORRISON STYLEE; TIMMY watches on FOX NEWS whilsta STONED TJ (there is a BONG next to him) watches static and tries to make out shapes.

VOICE OVER GUY (OVER THE END OF THE MONTAGE)
Until fate brought them together. Now they'll have to pull together to save the world - unless they pull each other apart first!

CUT TO:
MONTAGE OF BUDDY SCENES - TJ interrupts a WEDDING that TIMMY is performing to deliver an IMPORTANT MESSAGE, only for the HUSBAND to take a swing at him - TJ deflects the blow easily, but comically takes a punch from the bride; TIMMY'S frustrated because a stoned TJ'S ordering two Happy Meals at McDonald's; TIMMY and TJ bonding as they drive by some nuns and throw eggs at them; TIMMY and TJ reading HELLBLAZER together; Timmy and TJ talk in the car:

TIMMY
So all we have to do is find Enversi and keep him safe until the end of the week; by then it'll be too late for them to start the ritual.

TJ
It has been proposed that elemental magic is only a fragmented vision of a larger magical continuum, rather than the basis of all magic as some believe. The elements - fire, earth, spirit, air and water - are just parts of the magical spectrum, that just as colours are white light refracted through a prism, so elemental magic is pure magic refracted through our own minds.

TIMMY
Are you even listening to me?

TJ
Pardon?

SUDDEN CHANGE OF MUSIC WHICH WILL ANNOY EVERYONE IN THE CINEMA BUT SEEMS TO HAPPEN A LOT THESE DAYS. CUT TO:
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - NIGHT
A SINISTER MAN sits in a FANCY CHAIR; we cannot see his face. He looks down upon an ARMY of 47 MEN, all wearing CLOAKS that hide their faces.

SINISTER MAN:
Stop those men ANY COST. GO!

The ROBED MEN all look up to reveal that they all have TIMMY'S FACE!

CUT TO: EXCITING MONTAGE: A MECHA-TIMMY jumps onto the car bonnet and THRUSTS its HAND through the windscreen to grab TJ's THROAT; TJ ducks a MECHA-TIMMY'S punch and claws him across the face, ripping off fake skin and revealing a robot skeleton underneath; an overhead shot as FIFTEEN TIMMYS surround our heroes as they stand back to back and raise their fists; a NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD pastiche as TJ, weilding a ceremonial AFRICAN SPEAR, backs up against the door of his flat, only for the hands of FOUR TIMMYS to thrust through the door and grab him; TIMMY swinging down off a BEAM in an old BUILDING to KICK A MECHA-TIMMY in the jaw; TJ DIVES forward and GRABS a BONE GUN from the FLOOR, firing a BLUE FIREBALL that incinerates a MECHA-TIMMY; a HEAVILY UNDER THE INFLUENCE TJ points his gun at REAL TIMMY and a MECHA-TIMMY, who struggle with each other. REAL TIMMY SHOUTS: "Shoot both of us!" TJ (WOBBLING SLIGHTLY): "What about the other six?"

CUT TO TITLE:
48 BAUERS
CUT TO CREDITS


#23 JohnMcMahon

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Posted 04 September 2005 - 02:58 PM

Heh.

Which reminds me, I'm not renewing the MySQL stuff on the site so the old forum will go bye-bye early next year.
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#24 Slickevil

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Posted 04 September 2005 - 04:21 PM

Sad news John . The memories !! icon_cry.gif

#25 wolfram

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Posted 04 September 2005 - 06:27 PM

QUOTE (Mark @ Sep 3 2005, 02:02 PM)
QUOTE (wolfram @ Sep 3 2005, 04:26 AM)
Ours is the love that dare not ominously groan its name!



Awww, t'anks, Mark.  wub.gif

Still, I regret ever announcing my love for the undead flesh, for now all my folks have succumbed to that terrible cold embrace. I am certain that, in the Urban Dead universe at least, the zombie crisis is a sexually transmitted one. Anyone find any spare penicillin?  icon_biggrin.gif
She turned on the knockoff mp3 player she’d gotten at the oriental open market and started cutting. Wide swaths of damp cloth fell beneath her cut. Yards of cotton-lycra-poly blends disassembled with each slit beneath the sharp open mouth of the scissors. Frankie was a seamstress in reverse.
Once her present had been stripped of its wrapping, bow and paper all carefully set aside, Frankie began the second process. She dampened the sponge in a small metallic bowl full of water, rinsed the excess, and meticulously washed away the half-dried blood like Christ cleaned sins. The pattern of "oral exsanguination" was apparent immediately from the manner of the spread. Wet hands, wet from face to crotch.

#26 Josh

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Posted 05 September 2005 - 03:49 PM

QUOTE (Tom Willecome)
Piece of shit, piece of shit, piece of shit, piece of shit....


There are so many good posts by Tom on the then upcoming Constanteen movie on the old system.  I don't know if I'll have time to look those up or not, but I hope so.  In any case, they should be saved, because they're all simply great writing.   icon_cool.gif

#27 Lou K

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 03:06 AM

QUOTE (Slickevil @ Sep 2 2005, 10:18 PM)
Lou is offline till for a couple weeks till he gets moved in to the new Hall Of K .


Too right. But I'm back on track.

As for quotes, there are some damn fine things said on this forum. I can't even begin to clock 'em all.
In the age of the internet someone's sensibility is ALWAYS being tested.

~ James

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#28 Avaunt

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Posted 07 September 2005 - 08:26 PM

What about his beard, then?

Oh, hm, yes.

Abhimanyu (hight "The Cruel")
"A novel, according to my taste, does not come into the first class unless it contains some person whom one can thoroughly love, and if a petty woman all the better.
C.Darwin.

#29 Charlie K

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Posted 08 September 2005 - 04:55 PM

"Holy Jumpin' Naked Niggaz!!!!"

-Lou K
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#30 Charlie K

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Posted 09 September 2005 - 09:01 PM

And I want the TRUE Alpha male of the English speaking peoples to come back to us. I wouldn't want to be even one of His BETA males, wouldn't aspire to beng handed Spurs by the King. I want a spear and shield. I want the Good King Arthur to sweep his arm forward, and say

"These are the ones that divide us from peace, the users, the weapons brokers, the bank owners. The followers of Mordred. Kill them all, I absolve you of the murder, and we will BUILD Camelot, and all have a place at my table. I so swear".


-Avaunt, the ever-so-quotable Avaunt
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#31 Mark

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Posted 10 September 2005 - 12:28 AM

QUOTE (Mojopin @  in the too-geeky-for-words (but still kinda cool) "Spaceship Comparison Thread")
I have an urge to dunk this thread upside down into the toilet at school and then steal its lunch money.

"As we journey through life, discarding baggage along the way, we should keep an iron grip, to the very end, on the capacity for silliness. It preserves the soul from dessication."
- Humphrey Lyttleton, 1921-2008

"The Doctor remembers every Doctor Who story ever told. Every episode, Target book, comic strip and every game of companions and TARDISes that you played as a kid. The universe he lives in has no record of it, because paradoxes and divergent dimensions and the Time War have reset things... but the Doctor remembers and sometimes when he is sad it's because you've stopped being 8 years old and he can't run around the school playground with you anymore."
- some wise soul on the internet somewhere, 2009

#32 Grinning Fellow

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Posted 10 September 2005 - 03:09 PM

QUOTE (spiderlegs)
I waft my mighty genitals at all who oppose me. Flee, you rodents, for I will set traps laden with cheese and when you are caught, my mighty genitals will produce such a stream of urine that will choke the rivers with your dead. Come and I shall smite thee!


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Hail to the King!
KHAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!


- Admiral James Tiberius Kirk

#33 Josh

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Posted 10 September 2005 - 10:56 PM

QUOTE (Spiderlegs)
It's a very strong odor of chemical death hell.


#34 Pooka

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Posted 10 September 2005 - 11:06 PM

Those two quotes go well together.
World shut your mouth.

#35 Guest_spiderlegs_*

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Posted 11 September 2005 - 04:37 AM

You should have seen the outfits I was wearing when I delivered each line.

Adorned in lights was I for the former, and for the latter, I wore a Fred Flinstone Grand Pooba water buffalo helmet with a bone through my nose,, a tortoise shell and chest plate, chain mail, the boots Gene Simmons is wearing on the cover of KISS: DESTROYERS, and I had a really top notch light show going. I take making the perfect statement seriously and dress to command fear amd admiraion from all the men I had assembled both times. Sure it might seem a bit excessive, but I was quoted twice in a row, giving me cause to strut further out to the pool, now...

Oh, yes, do you people admire my bling? mY Wad o cash looks very dauynting like I could hire a hitman or something...

#36 Josh

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Posted 12 September 2005 - 03:43 AM

QUOTE (pooka @ Sep 10 2005, 05:06 PM)
Those two quotes go well together.

icon_lol.gif   laugh.gif   icon_lol.gif

#37 Red

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Posted 12 September 2005 - 10:24 AM

QUOTE (Abhimanyu)
I am an obvious sort of person.

Capital is dead labor, which, vampire-like, lives only by sucking living labor, and lives the more, the more labor it sucks.

#38 Avaunt

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Posted 13 September 2005 - 01:41 AM

believe me, dude, I did NOT have YOUR dong in mind while trolling for pics of Serena Williams.  icon_razz.gif


Lou, of course!

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(my emphasis though.  cool.gif )
"A novel, according to my taste, does not come into the first class unless it contains some person whom one can thoroughly love, and if a petty woman all the better.
C.Darwin.

#39 Josh

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Posted 13 September 2005 - 01:09 PM

Damn, beat me to it.   icon_cool.gif

#40 Charlie K

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Posted 13 September 2005 - 03:13 PM

Damn, beat me to saying Avaunt beat me to it.
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