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Mr. Tom Willecome

Constantine Review

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FROM COMIC BOOK RESOURCES

 

CONSTANTINE

 

An anonymous reader wrote in to let us know about seeing a private screening of the Keanu Reeves-fueled Vertigo adaptation. It's not a positive review. "As in all movies of this nature, there are twist and turns that can be seen a mile away and it all leads to a climax that involves weapons of holy origin. Keanu brands a Shotgun that shoots holy water and in one scene uses holy brass knuckles (yes, you heard right) to fight against one of the main baddies ... I don't know if this is the finish film but judging by what I saw, the movie is a huge mess from beginning to end."

 

 

Not sure if this fellow has actually seen the film, I didn't think the Holy Shitgun (see what I did there?) fired Holy Water but I believe that the Holy Water Sprinkler is in the same scene so maybe that's what got him all confused.

 

You can join in if you want;

 

Piece of shit, piece of shit, piece of shit...

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Didn't John say that the ending (after he read the script) was the best part of the film?

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Man! Who doesn't want to see a finale where John knocks out Satan with a pair of brass knuckles. We know what a scoundrel our Johnny is! Only him....

"Dirtiest Player in the Game" anyone?!

 

If the holy shotgun doesn't shoot holy water, what would it shoot? Oh wait! I'm confusing the holy shotgun with the holy water pistol! DUH!

The holy shotgun shoots bullets blessed by the Pope, or it will also accept nails taken from holy men's crucifixis.

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Guest TearsInRain

CONSTANTINE

 

An anonymous reader wrote in to let us know about seeing a private screening of the Keanu Reeves-fueled Vertigo adaptation. It's not a positive review. "As in all movies of this nature, there are twist and turns that can be seen a mile away and it all leads to a climax that involves weapons of holy origin. Keanu brands a Shotgun that shoots holy water and in one scene uses holy brass knuckles (yes, you heard right) to fight against one of the main baddies ... I don't know if this is the finish film but judging by what I saw, the movie is a huge mess from beginning to end."

Not sure if this fellow has actually seen the film, I didn't think the Holy Shitgun (see what I did there?) fired Holy Water but I believe that the Holy Water Sprinkler is in the same scene so maybe that's what got him all confused.

 

You can join in if you want;

 

Piece of shit, piece of shit, piece of shit...

 

Why is it anytime someone comes on here and says the film is good people assume they;re a PLANT working for the studio but when one idiot quotes erroneous SHIT - and this is because I've seen the GD film -- you all jump onboard and toast the guy as the soothsayer of all truth???

 

John doesn;t shoot holy water at anyone and the film is NOT a mess at all and the GD twists and turns are NOT obvious a mile away. If anything theree needs to be a bit MORE exposition because the test audience, who loved the film even in its first cut, needed a bit MORE info to truly get everything in the end. That's what some of the reshoots are about. The end IS the best part and John doesn;t brass knuckle the devil - he uses the devil to fucking save the day!

 

Ah hell, what the fuck does it matter what I say anyway? You either go see it for yourselves or shit on it like the religious right shit on Last Temptation of Christ or Dogma without ever seeing either of those as well.

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Haven't seen Constantine, so can't comment. But I hated Passion of the Christ and Dogma, and I saw them both. The former because it was an offensively gruesome, tawdry little exploitation film with not an ounce of the love or compassion Christ is traditionally associated with (I'm not a Christian, but surely you should make some effort to show why this character is so important, rather than just putting together a lengthy and pretentious snuff film?) to be seen, and the latter because it was puerile, childish bullshit. I'll judge Constantine when I've seen it, and not before.

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Why is it anytime someone comes on here and says the film is good people assume they;re a PLANT working for the studio but when one idiot quotes erroneous SHIT - and this is because I've seen the GD film -- you all jump onboard and toast the guy as the soothsayer of all truth???

 

Why is it anytime someone comes on here and says the film is bad

you assume they are speaking for all of us ?

 

I'd guess it's part of the lowest common denominator mentality that rules Hollywood.

 

Tom's been pretty consistent all along, he's not giving it a chance because of irredeemable differences between it and the book that (and please pay attention to this bit) some of us have been following for 200 months - over fifteen years.

Forgive us for having a different attachment to this than someone unbastardising it for a movie. I look forward to "adverse" publicity campaigns to hype the film based on what's in the comic: "KEANU'S NEW FILM BASED ON SICK DEVIL-WORSHIP COMIC !" "DOG SEX WITH HUMANS A RECURRING THEME!"

 

Oh, and look, people other than yourself have corrected those errors in the CBR article. Final chance for Warners to shut up "everyone's" "erroneous" complaints by showing the preview at the London Comic festival.

 

Other than yourself (when you're in a better mood), and Frank Capello a couple of years ago, and whatever went on behind the scenes with McMahon and the producers, no-one connected to the film has bothered engaging in discussions about the genuine criticisms beyond Tom's comments above.

 

But why even bother appeasing the comics fans?

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To be fair, TearsInRain has one valid point: We ARE suffering from the classical psychological fault of perceiving what we want to perceive. But then again, this is born of bitterness...

 

I would wish that the "disagreements" could take more civil forms though. After all, we're mostly a nice bunch here when it comes to anything else...

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....

Shows that even Hellblazer boards aren't immune from flamewars.

 

We'll all see the Constantine flick, whether we like it or not. Eihter on the big-screen, or hiding in a closet with a filched DVD.

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I won't.

 

But anyway, if you actually read all of my post you would have seen that I actually said: "Not sure if this fellow has actually seen the film"

 

Which implies that I'm not sure I believe that he's really seen it.

 

I'm a bit sick of the right-wing thing that you folks like to trot out. In fairness there's not much more right-wing than the cultural imperialism on display during the production of Constantine. The whole "America=Good, Europe=Bad", thing is getting a little fucking old now, along with Corporate Amerikkka's insulting view that it's own countrymen and, by implication, the rest of the world lack the depth and intelligence to empathise with a non-American protagonist.

 

Get off your fucking high-horse.

 

I'm only a lone voice on the internet, where's your sense of fucking perspective?

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To be fair, TearsInRain has one valid point: We ARE suffering from the classical psychological fault of perceiving what we want to perceive. But then again, this is born of bitterness...

 

I would wish that the "disagreements" could take more civil forms though. After all, we're mostly a nice bunch here when it comes to anything else...

 

 

Well, some people need to take part in the forum rather than stripmining the comic for ideas and coming here to get defensive. Hey, Warners, feel free to send some positive Constantine-reviewers this way as long as they are prepared to find out more about the comic, or (mythical beast alert) they are already fans of the comic who want to enthuse about the film.

 

Oh this whole "you hate our film" nonsense is as wide of the mark as Christian's misreading of the CBR post. There are around seventy members here, and less than twenty regulars who voted in the following polls.

 

But look the majority are prepared to see it, especially if it is R rather than PG13.

 

 

OCTOBER 12th

 

I am getting more likely to see this film [ 4 ]

I am getting less likely to see this film [ 2 ]

PG13 bad, four legs good [ 3 ]

"I [HEART] the gr8 Shia, thiz flm 'll ROXXX !" OR "I am a Keanu fan, and so will see the film at least seven times, but they shouldn't have done that to Hellblazer" [ 2 ]

Hi, my name's Tom, I would like to introduce you to my eye gouging service [ 5 ]

They made a film of Constantine ? Those BASTARDS ! [ 3 ]

I am a Warner Bros employee seeking to influence this poll in favor (sic) of the film and I will bring the preview over to London in ten days' time [ 0 ]

 

 

 

http://hellblazer.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=122

Out of 15 people who expressed a lack of taste, only one (almost certainly Tom) said they will not watch the film, one other said only on bootleg.

 

 

OCTOBER 16th

 

I am getting more likely to see this film [ 6 ]

I am getting less likely to see this film [ 3 ]

PG13 NO! R maybe [ 5 ]

"I [HEART] the gr8 Shia, thiz flm 'll ROXXX !" OR "I am a Keanu fan, and so will see the film at least seven times, but they shouldn't have done that to Hellblazer" [ 2 ]

They made a film of Constantine ? I have been in a coma [ 3 ]

 

 

OCTOBER 19th

http://hellblazer.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=176

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Oh well I stand corrected. Everyone but Tom will see it.

 

Tom, can't I convince you to see if only to write the most scathing review in history on it?

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I agree, Adrian. My point was that this kind of bitterness leaves you pretty unable to pick up or believe those few good points that appear.

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I'll only see it if someone reliably informs me that it's worth my time. My reasons for mistrusting the film are fairly obvious, but if it turns out to be any good, regardless of any connections to the comic, I might check it out, albeit probably on DVD. If everyone says it's shit (and I'm disqualifying Tom from 'everyone' here, sorry mate) then I won't bother. Why would I? I still haven't seen The Matrix: Revolutions, for similar reasons (the first one didn't do much for me, and the second was offensively pompous, badly-made arse-wank, so why should I pay money for a third helping?). If I don't expect to enjoy a film, I won't watch it - unless someone gives me a good reason to do so, or it comes my way unsolicited. Simple as. Life's to short to waste on films I don't like, and I've already seen far too many of them.

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Nowadays I sorta do as Mark does, on most films: I listen very carefully to word of mouth opinions, skim reviews to get a feeling for the subject matter, and related news coverage. I go from intuition as I do when buying comics, and when I'm cautious, I'm mostly satisfied with my picks.

 

However, I'm not seeing Constantine because I think it will be a good film, so that vetting process is completely out the window. I'll be seeing it because I want to be able to discuss it knowledgably with you all and with any other Hellblazer fans, and be able to knowledgably give others thinking of seeing it my opinion (including discouraging people if I indeed find that it is crap). And I'll be seeing it in a theater because I like seeing movies in theaters, but also because I want to see what kind of people come to see it, and how they react. I plan to have a good time with this movie whether it's any good or not, and if it's lousy, I'll have a very good time telling people to stay away from it. B)

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To be entirely fair, fancy-talk aside, if I do end up seeing Constantine in the cinema, it'll most likely be for those reasons. I am, occasionally weak and lacking in resolve. We shall see...

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the nearer the release date is, the tensions run higher! can't wait for the opening night massacre here...

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Tom's going to be sitting on a rooftop near the premiere with a gun and a deranged grin, isn't he?

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So, Tom's going to be abducting them at the premiere, Cecille B. Demented style, and fucking them until they regret making Constantine, and promise to remedy it by making a REAL Hellblazer film?

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