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Favorite Hellblazer Quotes

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So what is everyone's favorite John Constantine (or other) quotes? Perhaps a hilarious dialog or maybe just a scathing one-liner delivered by yours truly.

 

I'd list mine but I totally forgot, the exact quote itself I mean, maybe someone remembers it: (rough guess at the quote, still trying to find issue its in)

 

"Time to do what I do best: get my fingers burned and burn the bastard's arm off in return." -John Constantine, HB #???

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Oh! Nice topic...although a difficult one!

This is what springs to mind: (I'm sure there's TONS more....)

 

I loved when John put that priest in his place during "Rake at Gates of Hell".

I loved John's speech about (paraphrased) "you don't need anything magical to tell most people's futures. They get old, get married, have kids, work their life away, and die. And, that's just too depressing for me!" from "Lap Dogs"

 

My absolute favourite J.C. moment:When he's drunk and ranting to Marge about the state of the world sometime near the end of Delano's run. It's ME talking, I swear it, eh?

 

OK, a few surprise answers:

The final issue of "Love Street", when someone says something about "drinking to love" and John replies, "Funny. Love's usually the reason I am drinking."

And Brian K. Vaughn's "Swamp Thing" #10, I think John confronts Tefe with some great lines to put the brat in her place!

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Since all my issues of Hellblazer are in another country I cannot be as accurate as I wish. So I'm going to go ballpark here.

 

Most of Dangerous Habits.

 

And, representing the usual irreverent humour of the series, the following from Azzarello's run somewhere -

 

Old toothless bum: "Are you some kind of faggot?"

Constantine: "No, why?"

Old toothless bum: "Cos I am."

 

Not very epic, i know, but it still cracks me up.

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My favorite quote comes from my favorite arch.

 

"My name's John Constantine. I'm not the nicest bloke you've ever met. But I do me best." - Hellblazer #139 "Haunted" Part 6 of 6.

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"Cos I'm gonna use me arcane powers to help you bung this thing in a duckpond I know down there"- Son Of Man. Cracks me up, that line.

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Another handful from Son of Man:

 

MRS. POTTER: "How are we supposed to worship alongside these-- these perverts?! These practitioners of the Black Arts? This is BLASPHEMY!"

 

RICK THE VIC: "Mrs. Potter, that's what the Church of the Blesssed Reconcilliation" is all about. How can we expect the dear lord to welcome his fallen angel back into the fold, to love the unlovable-- if we ourselves turn our satanic bretheren away from our door? Please, Mrs. Potter. In the name of universal peace, share your hymnbook with Lord Gorgamoth Scumflagon."

 

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DEMON: "Aiiiieeee! Constantine! Your father sucks the flaking cocks of lepers in the lowest circle of Hell!"

 

JOHN: "Does he swallow?"

 

DEMON: "Eh?"

 

JOHN: "Just wondering if he swallowed. That'd be horrible."

 

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JOHN: "Yeah, but he's not your dad, is he?"

 

FUCKPIG: "Well, well. The Magus speaks. For your next trick keep your fucking mouth shut, all right?"

 

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And just for Mark:

 

"I'm shagging a lesbian. Do I win a prize?"

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the classic line from the first plece he ever appeared in (Swamp Thing #37):

 

"I'm a nasty piece of work, chief. ask anybody."

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MRS. POTTER: "How are we supposed to worship alongside these-- these perverts?! These practitioners of the Black Arts? This is BLASPHEMY!"

 

RICK THE VIC: "Mrs. Potter, that's what the Church of the Blesssed Reconcilliation" is all about. How can we expect the dear lord to welcome his fallen angel back into the fold, to love the unlovable-- if we ourselves turn our satanic bretheren away from our door? Please, Mrs. Potter. In the name of universal peace, share your hymnbook with Lord Gorgamoth Scumflagon."

 

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And just for Mark:

 

"I'm shagging a lesbian. Do I win a prize?"

 

I love both of these lines so they shall stand as my favourites until I find something better.

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From Rake at the Gates of Hell:

 

 

"You're John Constantine?"

 

"Yeah"

 

"You're an Asshole."

 

"Me Secrect's Out Then."

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It's actually...

 

"You're a prick."

 

But that's just me being anal retentive. ;)

 

P.S. I feel a Rogan mis-quote coming on.

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Couple from Jenkins -

 

"'I Don't fuckin Care about God's Will" (Constantine folks take bloody note of that one)

 

"Nothing compares to that emptiness in your gut when the smoke settles, and you're the last man standing, eh ?"

 

"...Introducing in the left corner, the Baron Of Bullshit, The Sultan Of Scam...weighing a few pounds more than he probably should...Johhhhhhn Constantine"

 

"A clever little bleeder, was Oscar Wilde. He once defined a cynic as a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Call me a cynic then."

 

"Failure is when you tumble, frightened and alone, into a sea of confusion. It's when you struggle to survive, refusing to be lost in the detrius. It's when you catch a glimpse of daylight above, and struggle towards it. Only to be swallowed by a shark"

 

Over to you Warren -

 

"Fucking magic. What does it get you, eh ? Apart from laid"

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strange, whenever I few my topic all I see is my first post.

 

Edit - Nevermind! Thanks for the welcome everyone! :biggrin:

 

Quote - "Okay, I'm just about empty. Your move." -John Constantine to the Third Lukhavim, HB #181.

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"I spit in the eye of God and laugh in the face of Hell" has always been a line which I thought represented Constantine well.

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"See, it's a bit nerve wracking, being the universal crash test dummy. I can feel the God's delight as they sort through their collection of interesting problems to present to me. I can almost hear their joyful shouts as they get ready to shove the next one right up my arse. So why me, exactly ?."

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:-? :angry: The topic is doing it again! I can only see the topic starting post, any ideas whats wrong with this?

 

"I used to think the Gods conspired against me, but they couldn't be this bloody Machiavellian.

 

No they probably planned the perfect day. The larks were going to sing their little lungs out, the sun was going to come out in glorious technicolor, and everyone was going to be in a good mood.

 

Even me, I was going to spend the all day watching telly, scratching my balls, and feasting on steak and kidney pies. I was going to have the best bloody day of my life.

 

Then I woke up.

 

I can see the Gods now -- sitting around, admiring their newly devised plans, patting themselves on the back at their cleverness. And in stumbles the God of Revelry after an all-night bender, and spills coffee all over the table.

 

So now, they're all scrambling about trying to clean up the mess. Someone accidently tears a corner of the plans. Down on the material realm, yours truly has just cut his hand while trying to open the friggin' first aid kit.

 

The whole palaver probably culminates in a lot of celestial bravado and finger pointing. By this time, any semblance of order is out the window. All that's left is a bunch of cuts, bruises, and dead fish.

 

Thats how we ended up in this bloody disaster." -John Constantine talking about his day, #HB 119, Undertow.

 

Thats one of my favorite issues ever, just hilarious.

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To quote Constantine the problem is we're "hordes of psuedo nihilist wankers, glued to their tv sets and computers like flies on shit. Self-indulgent malcontents whose only conquests involve staring at video games and playing with their joysticks...whose only communication with the outside world is ill-tempered white noise in the industrial ether."

 

So that should explain why you can't read this. :-?

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Nobody writes self-pity quite as well as Jenkins.

Yes Jenkins excelled at verbose self-pity, Delano was best at verbose pretention, and Ennis was best at verbose obscenity. Azzarello and Carey have been more dialogue-driven so we don't have John's inner voice as much anymore.

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