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Jon

The dark spider-knight returns

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"Like a spider, crawling up inside your body and laying a thousand eggs of cancer... I killed you."

 

If this doesn't end up being the funniest sentence I read this week, then there must be something truly brilliant waiting for me in a few days' time.

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:blink:- Who decided this was worth publishing?!

:laugh: You couldn't even mock what was actually written on the printed page anymore if you really tried.

 

That, and the review of Phoenix:War Song from The X-Axis make this a very bad week for Marvel, writing-wise.

 

Here's the Spoilers for the ending of the incredibly crappy series from the web-site:

 

"Brace yourself for this: the Phoenix destroys all the Stepford Cuckoos apart from the original three. Why? Because they were created to destroy mutants. But hold on, weren't the originals created to destroy mutants too? Shh. Don't ask awkward questions. And then, the three survivors all absorb one third of the Phoenix into their hearts - their physical hearts, mind - which have now turned permanently to diamond, in a power they've never previously mentioned. This will, somehow, contain the Phoenix, even though earlier in the issue we were told that the three of them couldn't contain the Phoenix. And, for a supposedly dramatic flourish, we finish with the news that the three surviving Cuckoos no longer have emotions.

 

Because their hearts have turned to diamond, you see.

 

No, really. Because their physical hearts have turned to diamond, they don't have emotions any more."

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Because their hearts have turned to diamond, you see.

 

No, really. Because their physical hearts have turned to diamond, they don't have emotions any more."

 

 

Makes sense. If their hearts were diamond, it would mess up their humors. I recommend leaches.

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Perhaps they're setting up a story in which the diamond hearted mutants will be hunted down by ruthless mercenaries hired by Debeers?

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That[Spider-Man Reign], and the review of Phoenix:War Song from The X-Axis make this a very bad week for Marvel, writing-wise.

Brace yourself for this: the Phoenix destroys all the Stepford Cuckoos apart from the original three. Why? Because they were created to destroy mutants. But hold on, weren't the originals created to destroy mutants too? Shh. Don't ask awkward questions. And then, the three survivors all absorb one third of the Phoenix into their hearts - their physical hearts, mind - which have now turned permanently to diamond, in a power they've never previously mentioned. This will, somehow, contain the Phoenix, even though earlier in the issue we were told that the three of them couldn't contain the Phoenix. And, for a supposedly dramatic flourish, we finish with the news that the three surviving Cuckoos no longer have emotions.

Because their hearts have turned to diamond, you see.

No, really. Because their physical hearts have turned to diamond, they don't have emotions any more.

Anytime I feel the urge to wander back into the Marvel fold, I'm serendipitously hit with a few reasons as to why I absolutely shouldn't. Cases in point: Spider-Man Reign, Phoenix: Warsong, and X-Men Annual. The last one was reviewed (again, by the folks at Savage Critic(s)):

X-MEN ANNUAL #1: I'd love to see what someone like Paul O'Brien would make of this book, because it's all about ongoing storylines and completely impenetrable to someone like me who's not been keeping up with the X-Books at all. It's not just that I don't understand what the backstory is, or who all of the characters are, but I also don't really understand what actually happens in the story itself - Some characters fight and then they stop because there aren't going to be any more mutant babies? Or something? There's nothing discernably Mike Carey-ish about the writing, which is what always fascinates me about the X-Books: They kind of eat writers up and overwrite their styles with the generic X-style. It doesn't matter who writes them, because they're always going to be these sub-Claremont overstaffed tapestries, written for the pre-existing audience. In that case, I guess, it's probably fine and decent, but for a lapsed X-fan like me, kind of Eh.

This is particularly frustrating for me as the X-Men were the only Marvel mainstream property I still had love for, and foolishly hoped would get a decent comic book. Whedon came close, offering up witty yet (oddly enough) more down-to-Earth dialogue, and a sequel of sorts to Morrison's run (the only run I've read since the original Claremont run to actually retain the author's voice).

 

Mostly, I blame the editors (-in-chief) for the vanilla-ing of various writers' styles over the years. Mainstream superhero comics need to take more chances and have writers who are allowed to do something different.

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I wouldn't say that review's totally fair. Grant Morrison, Peter Milligan, Peter David, Scott Lobdell, Joe Casey, and (sadly) Chuck Austen all had their very distinctive voices come through while writing X-titles (by distinctive with Lobdell, I actually mean "he writes in the Marvel house style anyway" though).

Although with David I'm referring to X-Factor, which Marvel allows David to do what he wants as it's all C-list characters and only die-hard and uber-Peter David fans read the book, so it's not like other X-books.

And, there was a period of history where most of Marvel's titles were pretty well being written by the editors, so there was a very good reason that the X-books read like they were written by committee, and the same applies to most other Marvel titles during that period.

 

Mike Carey's voice certainly doesn't show through, but that's his own fault/decision also, as he's chosen to make X-Men a straight action title, with very little characterization.

I was slightly excited to see a Carey X-book so steeped in continuity as the X-Men Annual considering what Carey did with Hellblazer, something that he has not done with the X-Men title itself so far, although it's far from a great story in its own right.

The X-Axis gave a pretty good review of the X-Men Annual and awarded Carey points for being the FIRST writer since the House of M story ended to mention the fact that the X-gene no longer exists outside of mutants and mutants are now all sterile, so this generation of mutants will be the last.

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No offence Jon, but this series sounds like a big pile of monkey shit with a Spidey mask on it. While I've never been much of a Spidey fan I have to say that a dark moody spiderman just doesn't work. The great thing about Pete is that whatever happens to him he always has the same wacky attitude issue after issue. If he's constantly going through some my girl died and my parents and uncle died and I've been cloned and my suits taking over my personallity and I've got cancer crisis every other week well he's just not him.

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I wouldn't say that review's totally fair. Grant Morrison, Peter Milligan, Peter David, Scott Lobdell, Joe Casey, and (sadly) Chuck Austen all had their very distinctive voices come through while writing X-titles (by distinctive with Lobdell, I actually mean "he writes in the Marvel house style anyway" though).

Just barely. Their writing was so watered down and filtered through the editorial staff that it wouldn't have been that recognizable without the credits page. Morrison was the only one whose vision and style came through (though even in his case it wasn't 100%) and that was only because he purposely turned scripts in at the last minute so as to avoid censoring/disapproval from Martz and the X-eds (once they reigned him in after giving him more freedom than any recent X-writer). Morrison was the only one who took the characters in new directions; everyone else you mentioned played off of cliches, outdated/tired characterizations, and ridiculous stereotypes.

 

Now, how about that Spider-Sperm, eh? Eh?? I bet those puppies have 8 tails each.

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Holy shit.

 

I like to think of myself as a pretty jaded consumer, but I'm having genuine difficulty accepting that this saw print. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? It reads like some angsty (and talent-free) high-schooler's attempt at fanfic.

 

Even the grammar's bad.

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Holy shit.

 

I like to think of myself as a pretty jaded consumer, but I'm having genuine difficulty accepting that this saw print. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? It reads like some angsty (and talent-free) high-schooler's attempt at fanfic.

 

Even the grammar's bad.

I thought editors were supposed to correct grammar and all that.

 

This just looks even lamer then normal.

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He's got mad props from Wizard for drawing the Hulk and shit, so obviously Marvel had to commission this even if he can't write his way out of a paper bag.

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A very kind forum lurker who, for whatever reason, prefers to remain nameless sent those scans onto me along with a brief summary of the lead-up to same.

 

Apparently Doctor Octopus programmed his arms to spy on Peter Parker with instructions to enact certain protocols should he ever neglect his responsibilities as Spider-Man - the end result being Doc Ock's corpse being dragged around by his arms who (which ?), in turn, dragged MJs corpse from the ground and re-enacted the sexual fantasies of their now practically-zombie owner.

 

I can't even imagine how fucked the script behind this nonsense was - there's no way any kind of editor read it, that's for sure.

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Who's the writer of this?

Isn't it Kieron Dwyer?

 

"I'm filled with radioactive blood! Watch out! I'm that Spider-guy!"

 

I think we have our winner for Chuck Austen Awards of 2007 already!

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I don't believe this book is something from our reality. It can't be. It somehow slipped over here from a different dimension that is absurd and where the human mind perceives reality in 18 different dimensional angles of both space and time.

The conspiracy theorists are already hard at work. Somebody (or something) called this through into our reality, for a purpose that we cannot yet understand..... :blink:

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I just "tuned-in" to this forum, and I've been trying to keep up with the recent Amazing spider-man; do you guys know if this dark-batman-like spider man crap that you've been talking about is going to affect the rest off the spider-man world?

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I just "tuned-in" to this forum, and I've been trying to keep up with the recent Amazing spider-man; do you guys know if this dark-batman-like spider man crap that you've been talking about is going to affect the rest off the spider-man world?

Knowing Marvel and the way they have been in the past, No. Hell who knows if the current continuity will even be canon in a few years. I mean that's one thing that I hate about Marvel is they lack the strength of their convictions. They always find some way to weasel out of the corners they write themselves into.

 

Future quote,

Knowing Marvel and the way they have been in the past, No. Hell who knows if the current continuity will even be canon in a few years. I mean that's one thing that I hate about Marvel is they lack the strength of their convictions. They always find some way to weasel out of the corners they write themselves into.

returnofsuperman.jpg

 

Mark,...MAAAAAAARRRRKKKKK!!!

kirk_khan.gif

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I don't think there's a fan-derived concept I hate more than "canon".

 

They're ALL imaginary stories. A few years down the line, when new writers will doubtless be doing their own thing anyway, who cares if this year's "Life-Changing Epic Which Will Change The Life Of Character X...FOREVER!!" is in canon or not?

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I don't think there's a fan-derived concept I hate more than "canon".

 

They're ALL imaginary stories. A few years down the line, when new writers will doubtless be doing their own thing anyway, who cares if this year's "Life-Changing Epic Which Will Change The Life Of Character X...FOREVER!!" is in canon or not?

Translation,

Knowing Marvel and the way they have been in the past, No. Hell who knows if the current continuity will even be canon in a few years. I mean that's one thing that I hate about Marvel is they lack the strength of their convictions. They always find some way to weasel out of the corners they write themselves into.

returnofsuperman.jpg

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This is just a possible future story of Spider Man. It takes place in the future. It doesn't have any bearing on current Spider Man stories in the core titles.

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This is just a possible future story of Spider Man. It takes place in the future. It doesn't have any bearing on current Spider Man stories in the core titles.

We don't know that: it isn't like the Dark Knight Returns' protrayal of Batman as a barking mad rightwing sociopath had no influence on the core titles, is it?

(Hopefully this one won't stick to quite the same extent, though: didn't they already use the radiation poisoning conceit to bump off the Hulk's wife?)

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And Watchmen, of course, though it wasn't really him causing it in that one.

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