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Van Helsink compared with Constantine????

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I just tried to watch this overblown, overdirected, over the top excuse of a film and could only get through 15 minutes before I had to shut it off so I could keep my lunch down. I have heard some saying Constantine will be like this film - let me say this with all honesty - CONSTANTINE IS NOTHING LIKE THIS POS!

 

I got as far as their Beeman character and it is so GD overplayed. Like some medevil Bond flick - one with the tongue in cheek Roger Moore in it.

 

Listen... I know we've disagreed with many things here but I will tell you in all honesty - if Van Helsink was what you thought Constalntine had become - you will be EMMENSELY surprised and hopefully satisfied - realizing things could have been a whole hell of a lot worse. Like if Steve Sommers had found Hellblazer interesting reading.

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I got as far as their Beeman character and it is so GD overplayed.  Like some medevil Bond flick - one with the tongue in cheek Roger Moore in it.

 

Now to be fair, the script directly compares Beeman with Q from the Bond movies.

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Van Helsing purports to be an all action, low-attention span fun romp.

 

The fact that much of what we have seen of Constanteen

(ie: crucifix shotguns, comedy sidekick, Carl/Beeman)

is remeniscent of Van Helsing is not a statement of comparing like with like,

it is a statement of how far wide of the mark the advance publicity has made Constanteen look.

 

And by the way, Van Helsing succeeded where both League of Ordinary Gentlemen and Underworld failed. It was fun.

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God, I'd managed to forget about Underworld.

 

I should add that whilst I haven't seen Van Helsing, if it's anything like LoEG or Underworld then it's a completely unfair comparison. There are a couple of action scenes here and there, but it's not really a full-on action movie.

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There was no fucking joy in Van Helsing man!

 

Just rank stupidity.

 

I didn't even enjoy seeing Kate Beckinsdale in the sexy gypsy outfit and she's not only one the most beautiful women on the planet but Lenny Godber's daughter!

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I'm with the crotchety Welshman on this one, I'm afraid. Van Helsing was a piece of shitl, pure and simple (I haven't seen Underwired, but I'm prepared to accept the advice of the myriad of my friends who've told me not to bother). The Mummy was a lot of fun, The Mummy Returns was vastly less so, but still just about watchable (due in a large part to the presence of Rachel Weisz in a gold bikini, to be fair), but Van Helsing was a godawful mess. Anything which is so relentlessly vacuous that even the presence of Kate Beckinsale can't at least make it bearable has to be pretty fucking lousy, for my money. The whole film felt distressingly like watching Stephen Sommers running around with the contents of a CGI toy box, screaming "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!!!" for two hours. And don't even get me started on that ending.

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Not a Van Helsing fanh either- but then I fell asleep for the middle half hour so I guess I'm in no position to judge it properly.

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Given that it was meant to be an exciting rollercoaster ride of an action film, I suspect that's comment enough.

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Underworld was lame.. I didnt enjoy it.

 

When i saw Van helsing I thought it was boring. THE CGI, The acting, the directing. Bollocks to it. The end of both movies was lame, I also hated the lines.

 

Van Helsing was suposedly like 1700's or something James bond film. it had all the coments, and everything. Then it was stupid how. Dracula was completly a bad actor, and all CGI.

 

 

The plot was really shitty as well.

 

 

[ Spoiler : Dracula wanting to have kids, Frenkstein, and then Van Helsing being the "Left hand of god" lame, lame lame. ]

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At first I liked the idea of three great monsters in a movie. Hugh Jackman was looking cool in the first stills, but when a saw the first trailer with that horrendous "CGI on your face" monster I thought that the movie would be only a new The Mummy flick. Having seen Van Helsing I have to say that The Mummy looks like the ultimate classic monster movie, because VH is not even worth half view. Even the music was stupid. And the climax was lame too. Oh well, the movie was a whole crap.

 

The same with Underworld. ewww...

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Kate Beckinsdale needs to get someone to read her scripts for her.

 

Underworld was one of the most joyless, passionless, unconvincing movies of the past ten years. And they want to make sequels!

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I'm with Tom about Van Helsing.

 

As I've said earlier, Underworld entertained me. I'm not claiming it's a good film at all, but I liked the aesthetics, I like Kate Beckinsale, and Bill Nighy did a fair job as Viktor. A 5-6 on a scale from 1 to 10.

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I just tried to watch this overblown, overdirected, over the top excuse of a film and could only get through 15 minutes before I had to shut it off so I could keep my lunch down.  I have heard some saying Constantine will be like this film - let me say this with all honesty - CONSTANTINE IS NOTHING LIKE THIS POS!

 

I got as far as their Beeman character and it is so GD overplayed.  Like some medevil Bond flick - one with the tongue in cheek Roger Moore in it.

 

Listen... I know we've disagreed with many things here but I will tell you in all honesty - if Van Helsink was what you thought Constalntine had become - you will be EMMENSELY surprised and hopefully satisfied - realizing things could have been a whole hell of a lot worse.  Like if Steve Sommers had found Hellblazer interesting reading.

Well, at least you can see where a fair amount of our displeasure comes from. Lacking solid information, we imagine it'll come out like a van Helsing. After all, the two share many characteristics. And I bet you'd really like to bring in what van Helsing did, wouldn't you?

 

That said, van Helsing could have been vastly improved by removing one of the many shoehorned-in elements, and giving the guy who played Dracula twice as much screen time.

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There was no fucking joy in Van Helsing man!

Well, if you've just read Terry Pratchett's Moving Pictures, then it's a perfect exercise in following the laws of cinematic inevitability.

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Underworld was one of the most joyless, passionless, unconvincing movies of the past ten years. And they want to make sequels!

 

i am totally witrh James on this onje. the movie took itse;f too seriously, i don't believe it had a shred of humor in the script. at the end, the tension was so high in the cinema, due to the crappyness of the moviwe, that EVERYONE burst out laughing at Dracula's "I LOVE MY DAUGHTER" over-the-top acting...

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The Way Dracula acted in Van helsing was really lame too. It was way to Over the top. I know he's suposed to be the Prince of Darkness.. But what the fuck. Couldnt he atleast tone down the acting. Everything he did was over acted. " NOOO MY DEMON SPAWN!! OH GOD WHY!!!!! I FEEL EMOTIONS. NOOOOOOO" And at the end..

 

[ Spoiler : When Helsing turned into a werewolf and then changed back while screaming "Nooooooooo!!!" I mean seriously.. I couldnt help but laugh at it. ]

 

I mean atleast in the Mummy it was abit better. The guy didnt over react when he accidently killed his lover.. He was like "Oh crap...oopsy daisy." And the way the 3 whores of dracula acted.. Man was that lame..

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I don't really understand this criticism against Underworld. I mean, I can understand if you didn't like it, but criticizing that it didn't have humour? I fucking HATE (and I mean that) that almost every action or thriller movie has to have some sort of "comic relief". For an example we probably DO agree on, do you think "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (with Gary Oldman) would have been better if it had more humour in it?

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well, the movie took itself too seriously for a (BAD) popcorn flick, and the lack of humor was so opressive and evident, that people in serbian cinemas jumped at the first chance to laugh that they got, and that was Dracula going inexcusably OTT...

 

and i'm positive that Bram Stoker's Dracula had some light moments.

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Yes, back to my original point:

 

Take the best bits of

Underworld (po-faced nothing special contemporary teen "horror" like if Buffy were all goths)

and

League of Egg-bound Gentlemen (over-blown failure of a light-hearted action film, ripped from the anus of a decent comic)

 

and you get Van Helsing (low brow B Movie fun, takes itself not a jot too seriously - comedy sidekicks abound)

 

AND which one of those has got most ideas in common with Constanteen ?

 

So, I suggest certain people aren't so fast to come around here with their "at least Constanteen is not as bad as Van Helsing" strategy.

 

 

As for all you people who insist on name-calling Underworld and Van Helsing, I hope you are happy with your text books and DIY kits this christmas.

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