Jump to content
Christian

Uncanny Review of Keeyah

Recommended Posts

Guess Who's Back in Town (2-parts)

Hey! Viper's back in town...."Hooray", I manage weakly (not really). This time she's the arch-nemesis of Sage for some reason. Claremont continues to attempt to shove Sage down our throats.

I'm not even going to touch on most of Part 1, as the story makes NO sense! Part 2 is much clearer (OK, I'm lying, the whole story is a mess!), and I'm not sure if this is Claremont's way of fooling the fans, or was an edict on the part of the editors.

Suffice to say, Viper has bought the remnants of Arcade's Murderworld Amusement Death Park on E-Bay, and has captured the Queen of England and placed her at the end of Murderworld. NO! I'm serious! I did not make this up! That is the actual plot! The cliffhanger is that at the end of Part 1, Viper shoots Sage in the head. YAY! She's finally dead! Yeah, like you really believe we could be so lucky?! Claremont isn't done making Sage the most neato keen superheroine of all time with Kung Fu grip yet.

In Part 2 we discover the following about what Claremont told us in Part 1:

Viper actually only bought a hardware disk on E-Bay that contained plans on how to build a Murderworld. Viper was too lazy to bother building one, and tricked the X-Men into thinking that London was really Murderworld. Is there any difference, people from London, let me know! (he he he)

OK, "Sage" was really Wolverine in disguise, so everything's fine. Yes, Sage is a skinny, tall woman while Wolverine is a short, muscular man; but the X-Men have all kinds of Shiar technology....so, I'm sure it was very easy to convince Viper that Wolverine in disguise was really Sage....

The real Sage beats up Viper, because Sage is more aggressive and powerful than Wolverine now.

So, the X-Men figure out what's going on (yeah, the X-Men are much better at solving puzzles than the reader of the comic must be), and they find out that the "Queen" is on a merry-go-round at a fair. The wheel-ride thingy is wired with a bomb set to blow up in a certain amount of time and kill the woman on the wheel-thingy, but if anyone attempts to rescure the woman, it will trigger a nuclear bomb! Upon closer inspection, the "Queen" is really a chambermaid from the Royal Palace who Viper abducted. Oh, ok, that's fine then. Just a maid, let's all go home and forget all this ever happened! Yes, Claremont actually makes us think that because the person was the Queen of England, it's worth any cost; BUT "just" a maid can't possibly be worth this....or could it?! I'm not sure anything is worth the amount of pain I feel writing this synopsis....

Hey, it's the X-Men! They're "real American heroes" (or something), so they decide to risk triggering a nuclear explosion in London. Luckily, Storm has the ability to create a magnetic pulse hotter than the surface of Jupiter with her thunderstorms, which will negate the nuclear chain reaction of the bomb. Seriously, the scientific info about this process reads pretty much what I just wrote! Not to mention the fact that Storm is all of a sudden a goddess with unlimited powers who need never worry again.

The X-Men save the day. End of damned story.

 

Next up:Ultra cool 450th Anniversary issue featuring....something. I'm guessing Sage in a swimsuit.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

However fond I was of a character/set of characters, that would have me dropping the title. That's just monstrous.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh....My....God!

How could a once great comic get so awful. Not to mention a once great writer.

 

Although Arcade selling Murderworld on e-bay is quite funny. So when Sage was Wolverine in disguise, he looked exactly like Sage? And why did he need to be Sage anyway?

 

Thanks for the review Christian, I look foward to it every month, if only to see how it could possibly get worse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

umm...Yeah, I think the title of this thread should've been "Uncanny Review FOR Keeyah"....I think that was a Freudian slip....ahem

 

I still think this is far better than Austen's run....

Yeah, now if Claremont realized he can't write anything worth reading anymore and decided to put jokes into the issue (like the Murderworld on EBay bit) I could enjoy this. The sad part is, Claremont actually wants us to take him seriously when he writes stuff like this!

You know? Good question as to why Wolverine was disguised as Sage in the first place! I'm guessing since Viper is now Sage's arch-nemesis, Wolvy figured that Viper would hunt Sage down (all the X-Men were split up when they were looking for the....Queen....), but yeah, it seems kinda like a "deux-ex-machina" to me. And yep! Wolverine looked and (apparently) sounded exactly like Sage when he was in disguise! (the cigar sticking out of Sage's mouth might have been a give away though....Just kidding!)

 

Yes, it's sad and depressing every month waiting to see how bad this book can get. The reason I still buy Uncanny is because I've stopped reading X-Men twice before, and both times I've ended up getting drawn back, and then I've felt a need to buy up the back-issues I've missed. Uncanny X-Men is like a drug to me. It keeps pulling me back in and then I need a good fix. So, I figure, if I just spend the $2.25 a month on the crap now, it'll save me having to hunt down the backissues when I eventually miss the X-Men.

I'm like the guy who owns the "X-Axis" web-site, only not as bad! I only buy this one X-book a month and hate it. He buys EVERY DAMNED X-book every month and seems to hate almost all of them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, but he's got a huge website that lots of people love to read, so at least he's got an excuse!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think Paul does it to blow off a little steam - he works as a lawyer so writing snarky reviews of shite comics is probably how he comes down over the weekend. There's a lot to be said for negative entertainment value but he must spend a small fortune every month on X-books that he doesn't like.

 

Glad he does though!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would comment, but the fact that I bought Batman #632 last week and am probably still going to pick up #633 precludes me from any criticism of obsessive fanboy comics-purchasing, possibly ever again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Little something different this time. I'll review each part of the story on its own, instead of as a whole.

 

2-Part story-line

Well, there was nothing special about the 450th issue. It was regular sized and the first part of a two-parter. They decided to put out two issues this month, instead of having a special issue. They did put "450th ISSUE!" in big letter on the bottom right hand corner, but since the top left hand corner already told us what issue this was, it was quite redundant.

Anyway, when I say "there was nothing special about this issue" I really mean it! Nothing really happened!

We had a couple of sub-plots:

1.Nightcrawler is falling in love with both Rachel and Storm. If played right, a relationship with Kurt and Storm could be good. Neither one has had a relationship in about 10 years, and they're in their late-20s. Now, Rachel's feelings come across as a "teen romance" type thing, but yet Kurt is still undecided as to which woman he should date.....

2.It seems that the Hellfire Club is reforming, and Sage knows about it, but yet she's not telling the X-Men about this info.

 

The plot of this issue revolved around "X-23", who they act like is a recurring character although I've never heard of X-23 before! Apparently, X-23 is another reject from the Weapon X project (god! they've tried to create a super-weapon 23 TIMES NOW and failed every time?! When do they just say "to hell with this"?!?!). This one is apparently a female clone of Wolverine, and she can't control her "berzerker rages" and has therefore become a serial murderer in "District X". I guess there's a part of the city reserved for mutants now?! I don't remember this plot.....

Of course, the X-Men run into the murderer in a nightclub and have a big fight which ends with X-23 stabbing Wolverine through the skull with her adamantium claws. Do you think he's dead?! (note the sarcasm).

 

I'll give Claremont SOME credit Dept:

1.Instead of having this one of those "Do you think Wolverine has lost it again and is killing these people?!" like we've seen a hundred time before; the X-Men are pretty trusting of the guy who's been around for 30 freakin' YEARS for once. The police also absolve Logan of the crimes by taking measurements and discovering that Wolverine's hands are MUCH larger than the killers (due to claw puncture placement on the victims).

2.Wolverine and Storm see a movie with Hugh Jackman. On the way out of the theatre, Wolvie quips, "If they ever make a movie about me, that Jackman guy might be a good choice to play me!" Kinda clever

 

Uncanny X-Men #451....must...write....review now...before I forget about the issue totally....

Hey! Guess what?! Wolverine's NOT dead!

 

OK, we get a big fight with X-23, then we move on to the big reveal, X-23 isn't a serial killer!

The murders in District X have been carried out by a female Mafia called the Bacchae. They're trying to start a gang-war between the REAL Mafia and mutants. Who are they? What are they? Who cares! All I know is they dress in silver outfits like you'd expect alients to wear in a '50s sci-fi flick and Claremont calls them by name at least 50 times!!!

X-23 murdered a group of thugs working for the Bacchae because they were threatening a fellow mutant. X-23 is kinda like the "guardian angel" of District X.

Wow! I'm so unenthused!

There's a big fight between a bodyguard called....the Gooch (yes, seriously) who is working for the REAL Mafia and the X-Men; because the Bacchae have kidnapped the daughter of the Mafia don, and the Mafia thinks X-23 killed her.

The daughter of the Mafia don comes...well, out of nowhere to tell the Gooch not to fight with her new buddy X-23 who saved her from the Bacchae while the X-Men fought the Gooch. Everyone is happy, the End.

 

Sub-plots Dept:

There were hints given that X-23 might actually be the daughter of Wolverine.

Sage rejoins the Hellfire Club at the end of #451.

Next issue:The Hellfire Club return

 

Solace Dept:Hey! At least this shite isn't as bad as "Amazing Spider Man"! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well it's pretty much a given. Since in X-men evelution they showed us that X-23 was created Logans DNA.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So who was 'The Native' in the disappointing final arc of Greg Rucka/Darick Robertson's not-as-bad-as-you'd-expect 'Wolverine'? Any relation to X-23, or just some other random girly mutant with claws?

 

Chin up, Christian...you're suffering this so others don't have to. 'Tis a far, far better thing you do...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Right on! Paragraph breaks!!!!! :)

 

I don't much follow the X-Men but enjoyed your review, especially its pointed and perceptive sarcasm. I hope you'll do more of them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
It seems that the Hellfire Club is reforming, and Sage knows about it, but yet she's not telling the X-Men about this info.

 

Do you know who is in this new Hellfire Club? Is Sebastion Shaw dead?

 

"District X". I guess there's a part of the city reserved for mutants now?! I don't remember this plot.....

 

I think I remember it. It was in New X-men, when the kids started taking some drug, worshipping Magneto and turning against Xavier. Maybe.

 

Hey! Guess what?! Wolverine's NOT dead!

 

Oh thank God!

 

 

 

Well it's pretty much a given. Since in X-men evelution they showed us that X-23 was created Logans DNA.

 

Its sad when start getting their ideas from a cartoon series.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wolverine's NOT dead

Oh thank God!

 

What, you actually thought he might be?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I figured as much, Keeyah, don't worry. I was just taking the piss.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2.Wolverine and Storm see a movie with Hugh Jackman. On the way out of the theatre, Wolvie quips, "If they ever make a movie about me, that Jackman guy might be a good choice to play me!" Kinda clever

 

 

i find that lame.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rogan-We have to understnad, we're talking about Chris Claremont post-80s here! Anything that is half-way based in any kind of reality as the rest of us humans know it, is considered clever when it comes to Claremont!

 

OH! So, they're introducing a character from a cartoon series in an on-going comic book, and expecting us readers to know who the hell it is!

Claremont just seems to throw random characters from anything that had to do with X-Men into his series!

 

New Hellfire Club-Sebastian Shaw is back from the dead (don't remember if this occured in an earlier issues, or if Claremont is just bringing him back), Viper, Sage, and some other woman that I don't recognize.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Christian, do you remember Sebastian Shaw's son, Shinobi? I was just wondering what happened to him. I think he had an obbsession with Storm many years ago.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, I remember Shinobi Shaw. He was the leader of the Upstarts (those rich young mutants who had too much time and money on their hands), but they dropped that story-line pretty quick.

I don't know what happened to him since then. He might've been killed?

I actually completely forgot about most everything having to do with the Hellfire Club after the Dark Phoenix saga. I never felt that the group was used correctly again (besides the Hellions and White Queen stuff in New Mutants).

I don't know if they ever continued that "Shinobi loves Storm" plot, but it was the story of X-Men Annual #2 or #3, I remember.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...