Gwilym

he got that perp singing like a canary

Yeah, I haven't understood the hype, but I started watching a stream about an hour ago and it seems like quite a nice low-key relaxo-exploration thing. It'd be good for listening to albums.

It's really quite surprisingly low-key. More like a pleasant niche title than a triple-A blockbuster. It's possible it ratchets up as it goes on, though.

It's useful to have a more specific target for what parts of my thought process I want to work on. There are vast swathes of my brainscape that I'm fairly happy with. Now I can do precision strikes on some of the problematic bits

OK so my doctor decided he didn't want to rock the boat in terms of tweaking the medication. Since I've tried quite a variety of different options, and I'm already at the upper end of the dosage with this particular one, the only drugschange he'd recommend would be slowly weaning myself off them altogether. But it's probably not the safest time to do that.

He's put me in touch with a counselor; there's likely to be the usual 3-4 week wait before I can see them, but at least that's something.

He's also put me on the sickness benefit for the next month, so I can have a break from the constant state of rejection that is the job application process, without being scared that I'll starve due to not meeting my obligations. This means my only responsibilities for the moment are to the play, which I'm nailing, and to self-care, which I have no idea how to evaluate so I dunno maybe I'll just play videogames. No, I'll do things.

I've realised that guilt and shame are the main things I'm going to need to work on. It's taken me a while to recognise them as main ingredients in my woes. They taint everything. My mood's been pretty variable over the past few days, and guilt's come with all of them: when I feel okay, I feel guilty because I'm "supposed to be sick." When I feel terrible, I also feel guilty because I'm supposed to be getting better. It's very close to Catch-22, actually.

I also feel guilty for being angry at my mother for how much she used guilt and shame in her parenting, which was almost certainly the genesis of this particular neurosis of mine. Ah, it's brilliant.

As for Camus, I was finding Myth of Sithyphuth a bit difficult to parse so I've started reading The Plague. I'm about a third through and I can already see how it's a better and more helpful way to deliver his ideas. Thanks for the recommendation.

And thank you to everyone else also!

Episode 9 seems to have been custom-designed to make me hate the show and everyone in it. Seth Rogen can suck my cock.

Even if he does, I'll probably still be pissed off at him for bringing this nihilistic shit into the world.

I wish he'd told us ahead of time that the whole thing would be just another one of his sardonic eye-rolls. I mean, say what you will about the sappy sentimentality of the books - at least it's a fucking ethos.

Or, whatever, fine. Be hip and detached and ironic and refuse to believe in anything. Make a show that might as well just be a two-second clip of you saying "Iunno?" looped into eternity. But do you think maybe we could also have a single character who isn't totally vile*? Do you think we could stop pretending that a tone-deaf atrocity parade counts as good film-making, good writing, or pretty much anything other than a huge glaring mark against humanity as a general concept? Do you think we could make Preacher great again?

So yeah, for someone who enjoys a lot of hyper-violent media, I'm really inclined to turning on shows as soon as they start smearing the screen with gratuitous, hateful violence and acting like they're above it all. The show's always struggled with tone when it comes to extreme violence, often thinking it counts as a punchline, but I'm trying to think of any way that the Ratwater massacre could've been portrayed that might have been more tasteless, exploitative or adolescently smug than the way this episode did it. I'm failing. The closest I can think of is if maybe they played it over and over, ad fucking nauseum, only no - the show went and did that, didn't it? Because an injection of mind-numbing tedium is exactly what we need after nine episodes of the world's slowest plot development. That'll really kick things into gear.

I'm thinking probably fuck this shit. It's less Preacher than it is Crossed. And I don't mean the Garth Ennis Crossed, I mean the bad Crossed.

...I suppose I'll try and watch 10 at some point, just like I'll try to get this sore tooth of mine looked at by a dentist at some point. So, grudgingly, and possibly as a hostage.

-Gwi "Worst. Episode. Ever" lym

P.S. I'm willing to entertain the possibility that my recent onset of massive depression may well have contributed to my negative response to the episode, but to be honest I prefer to believe I'm doing god's work and self-righteous internet ranting will lead us all to the promised land

*OR if you absolutely insist on doing the big shocking emotional point-of-no-return moment, maybe earn it? Make it seem like the characters are doing it, rather than just being puppets to your random whims? Jesse Pinkman didn't tearfully kill a man because he realised he'd wandered into a bad adaptation of Hellraiser. There was an actual build-up, with thoughts and emotions and everything. It was wild. You should watch that show. It might even give you an idea for a scene you can recreate, shot-for-shot, for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

I still think I should've asked first, or given a content warning, or something. Thanks for all the support, though.

I am depressed - that's known. I'm on medication for it, but maybe it isn't helping. It just seems to make me sweat more, and removes my ability to get drunk (it was recently pointed out that I consumed 16 standard drinks over the course of an evening, with no noticeable impact). I'm not much of a fan of drinking in the first place, but it's kind of a shame to not have the option. I'm sure it'd work if I drank excessively, but I'm not going to do that.

Pot helps, but using it habitually makes me lethargic and kind of useless unless I balance it with an unhealthy amount of caffeine. Plus now that I'm on the Jobseeker's Benefit, I need to be able to pass a drug test, so I can't touch the stuff at all. So I'm pretty much stuck with my 'right mind' for now.

I know my doctor would write me a certificate to reduce my job search obligations (which are pretty draconian, though breezy when compared with the UK), but I think a job would be good for me. I'm bored and I feel like I'm not contributing to the world. I know that Doing Art would be a better way to feel like I am, but I'd feel guilty doing that while on the Sickness Benefit, and even guiltier if it didn't work out. Plus if I'm appearing in plays, obviously I'm fine. I guess I've internalised the idea that being on any kind of benefit makes someone a piece of shit. Even with a notarised excuse I'd feel the shame.

I've generally enjoyed counseling in the past, but I think it may just be a narcissistic enjoyment. I like the attention and validation. I'm not sure I've ever made any real progress through it. My doctor set me up with a few counseling appointments about a year ago, but (as usually happens) by the time my appointments rolled around, my mindset had changed and I was much better-adjusted. Or maybe I was just able to talk as if I was.

It's hard to tell - I'm often able to brute-force my way through things with intellect. For instance, no matter how terrible I've felt in the minutes leading up to either a performance or a work shift, the work itself hasn't suffered at all. Even my big gutspill last night was fairly cogent, so long as you ignored the irrationality of the basic premise.

I also can't shake the idea that I'm just doing all of this to give myself an excuse to get a doctor's certificate. I seem to not trust my brain.

I do feel partly responsible for my mood's crash last night - it started with me being quietly angry at the jazz students that had been hired for the band, since they hadn't learned the songs, which of course fucked various things up. Then I was resentful of their confidence (they deserved to feel like naked emperors), then I was jealous of it, then I was angry at myself for not having it. On top of this, I still abjectly refused to mingle with anyone during the large amounts of downtime between song brackets. I don't know how people do it. People are chatting with friends; imposing yourself on that seems an awful thing to do. So I mostly sat alone at the piano, feeling dumb. At some point, this crossed the threshold into a litany of self-hatred. I really should've been able to avoid it. Oh, and after I shut down, I think I came across as being impatient that my ride home was delayed. So I felt like a dick too.

I've never read Camus, but I've considered myself an absurdist for the past decade or so. Then again, that's turned in a more nihilistic direction this year, so maybe going to the source will help me. I've bought a cheap Kindle version of The Myth of Sisyphus, so I'll see how I go. If one of his novels seems like a better starting point, please say so.

Maybe writing all this stuff does help. I should probably be journaling. I'm less likely to receive validation that way, though. That also applies to doing art that's not for public consumption. If I don't have at least the possibility of an audience, I might as well have just kept the thoughts in my head.

Thanks again, everyone.

I'm sure it's no surprise that I felt slightly better after sleeping, though I'm embarrassed to visit the forum after writing all that.

I know I apologised in the message itself, but I am sorry. Not for the feelings, but for selfishly dumping that on you all. It wasn't a fair thing to do.

I'm writing this message in Notepad and I'm going to post it before reading any responses that may have appeared. I will read them though.

With a bit of luck, it will be helpful having such a detailed written record of the way my mind operates when it's on its worst behaviour.

Since I genuinely have nobody I can talk to about any of this:

Towards the end of a gig tonight, it hit me that I'm 33 years old and I've never been happy. Even in my comfort zone, I'm never comfortable. I'm always fighting to keep my tears inside my skull. People think I'm rude and aloof because of this. Also because I'm rude and aloof. I'm a terrible person to be around. Even the people who enjoy my company don't enjoy my company once they realise I'm the textbook definition of a lost cause. That takes about two weeks.

There's no hope. I resent that I ever believed things might improve. They won't. This is me. It's been me for as long as I remember. I have to finally get used to this. I'm able to sleep at night, and when someone asks me to do something I'm usually able to function well enough to do it. That's a better offer than a lot of people get. I should take it.

Nothing I'm good at is of any use to anyone, and I'm utterly mediocre at all of it anyway. I've lost the ability to create anything people might want, and in all honesty I probably never had it. I'm not even a hack, because hacks are productive. I don't contribute to the world. I'm just another consumer, except that I hate almost everything that's on offer. So I'm a shitty consumer. I'm also an awful judgemental person and my life is never going to be tenable. I can't turn my feelings into art, because I don't believe anyone would benefit from hearing them - in fact, they would benefit from not hearing them. They're all cringe as hell.

I'm in rehearsals for a play and I just finished a keyboarding gig. I don't know if I even enjoy either of these. I do them because they make me feel briefly, vaguely wanted, and because I have no excuse not to. During rehearsals I will sometimes feel like I'm helping, and get occasional validating comments. I don't think I ever feel good about the performances or the work itself. The best I can hope for is to not feel completely embarrassed, and that's rare.

As for an update: my home life is no longer awful. I'm still at my dad's but he's stopped playing that stupid game so there's far less shouting now - his general negativity is toxic, but I'd be a hypocrite to complain about that. I'm unemployed, and I can't see that changing, since every single job listing I look at makes me want to knife my own eyes out. I'm literally unqualified for them anyway, since amongst the buzzwords and general marketing bullshit, they all explicitly ask for positive go-getters. There is no conceivable turn of events by which I will ever become anything that even slightly resembles one of those, and I can't fake it. Also I have no work ethic. And I can't 'suck it up.'

I can't do anything to help myself and nobody is going to help me. I'm stuck like this.

I know this talk isn't healthy. I'll mention it to my doctor when I see him. It won't matter, though.

I'm going to bed. I'm really sorry about this.

I wish the kid who plays Dustin a long and storied career

ah, the dulcet tones of frankie faison

It gave me an excuse to post the gazebo blowjobs article, so I don't think you have anything to apologise for

but yes, boil them

yeah it's one of my favourites

if I could do a grey-bearded sage voice I'd be constantly reading it out loud

When an article ends with a question mark, the answer is always 'no.'

Man, that looks good. Even in the quick-cut parts, I could tell who every single character was. Totally intentional, I'm sure - it felt like it went out of its way to prove its worthiness as an adaptation.

Earth Defense Force 4.1: The Shadow Of New Despair is so incredibly fun and brilliant and oh god just watch the trailers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxYv9cvvM9U&list=PLFsqRyeGGyKqR-9t_W_jMlbQCc8KHYKSG

Having a fun time with Rise Of The Tomb Raider, it's really just more of the same but given how good the last game was that's hardly a bad thing.

 

I know this is an old person question but is it as good as the first 3 games?

I want to say "no," but it wouldn't be fair (or true). It's very different.

It's the sequel to the 2013 reboot. That reboot was very well-made, and lots of people love it, but I really didn't. I dropped it about three hours in.

The tone's just nasty. If you thought Uncharted had too much charm and derring-do, and not enough blood, dirt and atrocities, then go for it. It also helps if you're not too hung up on the whole 'raiding tombs' thing (I've heard that Rise is a lot better in this regard), and more interested in putting arrows through people.

It's weird saying this only three years after the fact, but it's a product of its time. For a while it was mandatory for all games to include at least a dozen scenes of people being rounded up and executed, while the protagonist sneaks around stabbing people in the throat and throwing up because they stabbed someone in the throat.

But again, very well-made. If you want to see how Lara would fare in Turistas or The Descent, this is about as good a game as could come from that.

If you want something like the first three games, but better, try Tomb Raider Anniversary or Tomb Raider Underground. For the most part, they're an utter joy.

The first is probably my favourite game ever. Sometimes it takes people a while to settle into, but once they click with it, they're hooked.

http://duckfeed.tv/bonfiresidechat/1 This might help. I'm already a Souls convert and I love listening to people talking about it, but because they cover such specific parts of the game in each episode, I'm sure it'd work well as a pseudo-book club thing. They're long episodes, but they're very 'light.' I'd recommend at least listening to the bit around 23 minutes where they give general advice about how to approach it.

I just reached the end of Dark Souls 3 yesterday, without realising it. It's still a very good game, but now that I've seen the layout of the whole thing, I'm even more resentful of how it kept doing callbacks to Dark Souls 1 all the time. "Hey, remember when?" is cloying enough as it is, but when it comes at the expense of actual new material (and there are some very good moments of that), it's flat-out irritating.

Dark Souls 2 was a far more dignified sequel, and probably a much better game overall.

Karl Suburban

Also am I imagining things or does Quincannon's right-hand man look like Walking Dead? (I've never seen that show, but I assume it's the main character's name)

I wasn't wild about this thread continuing, since it could easily turn into trash-talking someone who isn't here, but I'm glad it was you doing it, LC. It's possible that it's as simple as you not being a straight white male, but your angles on things are always interesting. Plus you write long posts so it's kind of a feast.

I also think you've also found a point of agreement: the idea that a lot of left-leaning is bogus, and just for show. This is definitely true, and it's just as definitely the reason for anti-left sentiment. When people rail against political correctness, it's usually because they find it dishonest, and a lot of the time it is.

I'm still on board, but I hope they'll at some point decide to make an episode that's actually satisfying. Just as an experiment.

I enjoy the minute-to-minute stuff, but pretty much every episode's ended with me thinking "That's not a conclusion or a cliffhanger; that's where the episode should've started."

I love that thread in the 'Voices' forum about where Hellblazer could go next. I feel like replying might violate the prime directive, so for now I'm content to simply observe

I just cried myself to sleep, so I wouldn't be able to respond anyhow