Mickey Eye

For once, the DM's comment section is hilarious.

I'm near the maximum dose of the standard set of drugs that she is willing to give me and still my estrogen is too low and my testosterone is too high. This new one should technically also help with lowering testosterone but it does it in a different way that isn't actually complimentary to the other blockers. So it wouldn't really help, it's usually given as a hair loss medication, not something I've ever had a problem with.

 

Anyway, the result was the most severe constant depression that I've ever experienced.

 

So I've gone back to my previous regime, which is borderline dodgy for my health unless I concentrate on what I eat a bit more (lower salt and potassium basically). But I'm going to ask for supplementary estrogen patches, not the most efficient thing in the world but very safe way of boosting what I am taking.

 

The other option she pushes at me constantly is either Diane 35 which contains a small amount of cyproterone which is perfect anti-androgen but also contains a lot of ethynil estradiol which can cause blood clots and serious liver problems unless it is managed properly so I'm trying to keep that as a last resort. It's also possible to get cypro on its own but for that prescription you need a prescription from a psychiatrist. It's a maybe.

 

Thing is since I have drugs that work but not good enough I'm almost willing to stick with them for the stability and lack of effort. And then the government can take over in February and fix everything (hopefully)

Turns out I have a reaction to a testosterone blocker called Finasteride that I was trying. My reaction being severe depression.

 

Took me a full 8 days to link starting the new meds to the problem. Thing is there was no actual reason for me to be taking this medication in the first place.

 

Oh well. Fixed now.

Amy was sad as all fuck. I mean it's not like I didn't know what was going to happen, but to have it all compressed into 2 hours was gut wrenching for me. It was respectful but honest.

I had a good holiday.

We had a cat themed party. on reflection though that was more chupacabra than cat.

Gonna say, I have a lot more fun these days.

I think it depends on how they are cooked.

Onions make me fart.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Increased LGBT visibility is throwing up a lot more stories like yours around me right now, like Gwilym said, you ruined nothing. Given time, his opinion might change, when the realities of what this means for your relationship come around. However I don't think you should live in hope of that, just try and fix your immediate situation and concentrate on yourself.

 

I'm lucky, I cut myself off from my family ages ago. Wait, that's not lucky. But I did okay for myself so it went okay.

 

My flatmates immediate family came together and had a long family meeting where they decided by consensus never to accept her. However instead of cutting her off, they mostly send her hatemail and ask her why she is doing this to them.

 

She has a fantastic group of friends around her to support her, I hope you have something similar. In my little subset of the community it's not uncommon to choose who our family is. Turns out you can do that after all.

All those summers spent hiding from the sun finally paid off for something. At the party I was at on Saturday people who didn't know guessed under 27, which is nice to hear when you are about to hit 36.

I like it :)

and saying "mad"

That's cute.

Oslo Pride was awesome. And I got a bunch of piercings. Good weekend.

What you get? Are these your first or are these just new ones?

 

I got 1 in each lobe and 2 helix in my left ear, these were my first. I'll almost certainly get more at some point.

Haha, it was seriously good though, especially the parade. Perfect weather, with really good things happening in both the US and Norway there was a lot to celebrate. And Lourdes Ashley Hunter spoke at the end for a bit so kept it a bit political too.

 

Awesome sense of community and acceptance that, I have to be honest, isn't apparent in my life a lot of the time.

Oslo Pride was awesome. And I got a bunch of piercings. Good weekend.

These last 2 chapters have been super hard going for me. I really hope the pay off is worth it. I have a specific aversion to what is basically child abuse.

Cocky - Julia Serano

 

we are often told that we are living in a man’s world

and in this culture

no image represents power

more than the phallic symbol

and if the penis equals power

then i am illegally armed

and my body

full of freckles and feminine curves

is like a stealth bomber

i fly just under everyone’s radar

but only because they choose not to see me

only because nobody wants to believe

that a sweet, petite green-eyed girl like me

could ever possibly be packing heat

 

they say that it’s not the size of the wand

but the magic that it does

well after many months on estrogen

my penis is pretty darn small

but she has supernatural powers

she’s like some pissed off ancient greek goddess

my penis changes the meanings of everything

and because of her

every single one of my heterosexual ex-girlfriends

has slept with a lesbian

and every guy who hits on me these days

could be accused of being gay

because my penis bends everyone who's straight

and she can make the most entitled cat callers and womanizers

scurry away with their tails between their legs

all because of six small words

“i use to be a man”

 

and being a transsexual

i realize that most people see my femaleness

as a facade

an elaborate hoax

but i am more real

than any of them could ever hope to be

i am real because unlike them

my gender is not based upon what other people think of me

and that may make me an object of ridicule

but i am not the butt of anyone's jokes

because i know that people make fun of trannies

because we are the one thing that they fear the most

i am more bad-ass than any gangster

more dangerous than an entire marine corps

my penis is more powerful

than the cocks of a million alpha males all put together

because when a man is defined as that which is not female

and a woman is defined as that which is not male

then i am the loose thread

that unravels the gender of everyone around me

 

they say its not the size of the boat

but the motion of the ocean

well my penis gives most people sea sickness

she makes them dizzy

because most people are not secure enough

with their own masculinity or femininity

to survive a night in the sack with me

my penis turns simple sexual pleasures into political acts

she turns biological impossibilities into cold hard facts

my penis is the curiosity

that you’ve been told will kill your cat

see my penis can be deadly

especially to me

 

and i’ve heard almost every true crime story

about what frightened macho boys do to trannies

every bludgeoning and mutilation

bodies beaten beyond recognition

and i’ve imagined it all happening to me in first person

and every time i get up in front of a crowd

to perform one of my out-spoken word pieces

i can feel myself morph into a slow moving target

and at the end of the night

when i walk back to my car

i'll be holding my breath

half-expecting that inevitable blow to the back of the head

and sometimes i wonder why it hasn’t happened yet

and sometimes i wonder why they don’t just get it over with

and sometimes i just wish i was dead

 

see i never wanted to be dangerous

and i spent most of my life

wishing that i didn’t have a penis

and i used to hate my body

for not making any sense to me

and these days i often hate it

for being so in between

and some mornings i can barely get up out of bed

because my body is so weighed down

with ugly meanings

that my culture has dumped all over me

see i've been made to feel shame and self-loathing

so that everyone else can take comfort

in what their bodies mean

and if i seem a bit cocky

well that's because i refuse

to make apologies for my body anymore

i am through being the human sacrifice

offered up to appease other people’s gender issues

some women have a penis

some men don’t

and the rest of the world

is just going to have to get the fuck over it

and if i am destined to be the loose thread

that unravels the gender of everyone around me

then i am going to pull

and pull

and pull

until everyone is exposed

until they all finally see that all along

they were merely wearing the emperor’s new clothes

 

and i know that people don’t like it

when i turn the tables on them

but what the hell else am i supposed to do?

play a hand that was dealt

from a deck of cards

that's been stacked against me?

 

and if i seem a bit cocky

that’s because i've spent my entire life

being backed into a corner

and like a frightened animal

pumped full of adrenaline

and sick of hunger and hiding

i am finally desperate enough

to come out fighting.

My office has just installed this ridiculous contraption. http://www.scanomat.com/int/topbrewer/features

 

Customized coffee controlled by your phone, it's fucking awesome.

Really really? Hrrrm, not sure where I stand on this. Some brilliant writing could save this and brilliant writers they have.

Cis refers specifically to gender identity while hetero doesn't. What I should have said to be properly specific was "white cishet men" though obviously that makes a heteronormative assumption about their sexual orientation.

 

The more usual way it is expressed is "gender-normative" but I prefer to use "cis" as it is a direct antonym of "trans". Cis usually refers these days to cisgendered, as opposed to transgendered, those that prefer to refer to themselves more specifically as transsexual use cis as shorthand for cissexual.

 

The reason for its existence is simply to draw attention to the cisnormative assumptions that are made around you every day.

Seems my coming out has given the company a chance to air their anti-discrimination policies a bit. Which is good because some of these old white cis men are racist as fuck.

 

I mostly hang with queer identified crown because for the most part they seem to pride themselves on being accepting of all without question.

It went fine. People are being a bit too polite if anything. The were warned hard that any kind of discrimination would be stamped on hard.